Jealousy, it’s everywhere. As children we are jealous of our siblings and friends. “Who does mom like best?” “The teacher likes him better!” (Yea, probably.) It’s that prevailing feeling that someone else has what you think you want or what you deem to be yours. As we grow up, it becomes even more complicated and even less attractive.
Some actually go to the effort of projecting something onto a situation that isn’t really there and then getting worked up over it. You probably know what I’m talking about because you’ve done it, your friends have done it, or your ex’s new girlfriend has done it. I admit, I have done it…but not in mannnny years ;).
We just knew something was going on with our guy and another girl only to find out, well, it really wasn’t. It looks like, “I hope he doesn’t like that girl,” to “I think he totally has something going on with her,” to finally, “She’s a whore. I need to do everything in my power to control him now.” Yea, that’s always a good idea. Because nothing makes us look cooler to a man than acting insecure and trying to control his behavior around other women. Sigh.
Controlling behavior might manifest itself in a simple action like making him delete certain women from his Facebook. He’ll delete her to placate us but he still has all her information saved to his hard drive. Plus, he can always send her a message explaining that he had to delete her because his ‘new girlfriend’ had an issue with her. That’s always flattering.
It’s not just women—men are guilty as well. Many a man has snooped through a cell phone or broken an email password. Nothing makes him appear more emasculated than accusing his girl of talking to another guy at a party or having an affair with a childhood friend. The worst is when he’s worried about lesbians. Just because we are all girls, does not mean we are all attracted to each other. I’ve ruined the fantasy, I know.
No other person is our competition but by our automatically assuming that they are, we are throwing ourselves needlessly into the ring with one point already against us. If we really are afraid of our partner talking to other people, this may be something we need to address with them, over an expensive dinner—but it’s never about controlling them. It can be tiring to continually coerce our partners into turning and running from every attractive person in the room. Plus, let’s be honest, it makes us look a little psycho.
Sure, sometimes jealousy can occasionally be a kind of sixth sense—but that should be the start of a real conversation. Let’s get to the bottom of the situation and not just be emotional reactors. We women deserve to be more confident than that. Confidence is sexy; insecurity is not and eventually causes resentment. But we fall into this behavior without thinking and sometimes the damage is done – it may even hide out for a while – but it’s there.
None of us can control another person’s feelings. If he doesn’t want to talk to her, he won’t. If he does, he will just go around us. This is never about the other woman or the other man—it’s about us. It’s usually one of three things: our insecurity, our past, or our distrust of our partner, whether real or imagined. Maybe we need to stop taking it out on all the other people in the world and start specifically dealing with the ones we have trust issues with, or realize, perhaps the trust issues we have, may just be with ourselves. Then again, maybe it’s best just to get a dog.